The Best Way to Draw Blood from a Cow

"Get ready for a little pinch," BJ, my nurse, said. I gritted my teeth. A whisper of pressure, and it was over.

"Did you get a vein?" I asked.

"Of course."

First try. I know how impressive that is, because I've tried drawing blood myself, except my patients were cows. It did not go well.

I discovered my incompetence twenty years ago, when I needed a blood sample to determine whether a cow was pregnant. It looked easy when I watched my vet draw blood, but vets cost money, so I decided to do it myself. What could go wrong?

We coaxed our first cow into the squeeze chute — a contraption with adjustable sides that holds a bovine still for exams, vaccinations, or, in this case, an amateur phlebotomist.

The internet assured me the easiest spot to draw blood was the tail. Cow number one proved it. I lifted her tail, slid in the needle, and — like magic — blood flowed into the tube. Easy peasy. I labeled my prize, feeling confident, while my team escorted the next victim into the chute.

Cow number two took exception to being stabbed with a needle. A heavy metal panel protected my knees from her kicks while I poked her tail, hunting for a vein. On the third try, I finally drew blood.

Mine. I'd nicked my own finger with the needle.

Three tries later, I decided her tail had enough holes in it and quit. Clearly, either 1) this cow contained no blood, or 2) this was a job for a professional. Suspecting the latter, I called the vet and never picked up a needle again.

Back in the exam room, I asked BJ where she learned her craft. "I was a veterinary assistant for Dr. Cotton for 8 years before I became a nurse. We'd go on farm calls, and that's where I learned, on the job."

No wonder she was so competent — she learned her skills on a farm. So who's more cooperative: farm animals or people?

"It depends," she said, which surprised me. "I love animals, and I love working with people, but at least people often thank you afterward."

I thanked BJ for a quick, painless draw and decided farming and nursing might not be so different after all — except farm animals haven't learned to say "thank you."

Yet.

This year, I have one pregnant cow named Iris and you can meet her at the Cow Crew Experience on July 25 from 1 to 3 p.m.
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Carole Soule is co-owner of Miles Smith Farm in Loudon, N.H., where you can visit her cows on July 25 from 1-3 p.m. for the Cow Crew Experience. Carole can be reached at carole@cow-coach.com.